She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
