My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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