I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
