if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
These tits shall not be calmed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
