You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
