I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
