new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
