I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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