So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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