Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
