why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I looked at my own cervix.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
