It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
