I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
