The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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