My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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