I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
