If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
