I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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