I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
