She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
