i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
