I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
