Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
