This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
