I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
