grandma shit on top of the toilet
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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