this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
