Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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