ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
