I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
