It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
