Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
