im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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