now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Congratulations! We have a period
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