Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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