his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
