we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
