I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
