If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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