I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
