is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
