I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
