You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
