he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
