when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
