Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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