I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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