my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
