My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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