I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
